Subbacultchas

In seventh grade, I decided I no longer knew who I was and needed to find out. I thought there was only one way to do that- find a subculture. All I had to do was pick one, listen to the music, and buy the right clothes, and then I would have a ready-made identity and a community of friendly people waiting for me. I was lonely. I had always wanted to be part of something. What could be better?

I had far too much time on my hands and I spent most of it on the internet, so I immediately turned to Google to see what my options were. I treated finding a subculture like a school project: I researched, I took mental notes, I compared and contrasted the aspects of the subculture with what I was like already, and I came to a conclusion on how appropriate I thought each one was for me. As time went by and my classmates transformed into jocks, preps, gamers, and Hot Topic goths, I looked with increasing desperation, because I still hadn’t found the right one. Every subculture I read about had something wrong with it. There was always something I didn’t like about it, or something I liked that didn’t fit into it.

Finally, I admitted defeat. There was no subculture for me. If the Land of Coolness was surrounded by a wall with round openings, I was a square that just couldn’t shove myself in. I was going to be stuck on the outside forever.

With this new, fabulous idea of myself, I went into high school. I didn’t talk much. I had a tattered beige sweater that I could zip up to my nose, and I frequently did because there was something comforting about it. I wanted to fade quietly into the background. Thankfully, that didn’t entirely happen. I ended up with a couple friends and the senior superlative of Most Eclectic.

That’s because after a while I figured out that the whole loser thing has its upsides. Confusing everyone I met still sucked (and continues to suck today), but I could do whatever the fuck I wanted without worrying about the Goth/Punk/Emo/Hipster/Whatever Code of Conduct. (I know punk isn’t supposed to have a Code of Conduct, and I love it for that, but it doesn’t change that 80% of the people who call themselves punks today don’t get that idea.) Am I kind of bitter that I’ve never had a subculture community? Um, yes. Even if I know now that it’s shallow, it would make navigating unfamiliar social situations so much easier. But there are trade-offs, and by now, I’d rather not trade anything I like for friends. Actually, I really made that decision in seventh grade, when I chose to keep looking for a subculture that fit me instead of making myself fit one.