Incoming Personal Shit

UPDATE 6/5: I'm in a better place now than when I wrote this, just so the world knows, even though I will leave this up. And I'm not dropping out of college.

This is my situation.

I want to go somewhere. I want to see sunsets and sunrises and take pictures of everything. I want to meet people and make friends but always have somewhere to go to be alone. I want to visit cities and country towns that usually no one bothers to visit. I know if I actually did this, I probably wouldn’t meet anyone because I suck at that. But maybe the traveling would be enough. But it’s pointless because I can’t. I have to work and figure out my major and then go back to college. 

I should like college more than I do. I recognize it’s a great school full of interesting people, but I’m not happy there. Especially this winter, I went to some bad places in my head then. It feels more like a crushing endless list of obligations than anything else. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to go there, but I don’t know if I want it anymore. When I'm there all the things I'm not doing because I'm holed up writing papers hit me even harder than they do here. There are plenty of things to do there. There’s a local music scene I’ve never witnessed and plays and some impossibly cool people. But I just do homework and talk to people who annoy me a tiny bit but constantly. I’m being unfair to them, I know. They’re nice people. But they’re not the kind of people I expected to meet. I guess I was hoping more than anything else to find more people like my (former I guess) best friend, who liked or at least tolerated all the weird things I love. I never talk about the weird things I love to them. They don't get them. One girl I know follows me on tumblr and she told me she doesn’t understand why I post all the pictures I do because they’re not funny and they have no point. And considering I really like photography that hit hard.

I wish there was a way I could get away. I feel like my future’s been sealed: pick a major, get internships, maybe study abroad somewhere relevant to my major for a year max, graduate, get a job, pay back my debt, boom. There’s my next, like, ten years or more. And that’s so fucking depressing and I don’t like it at all. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to college in the first place. I have no idea what I want to do with myself and thinking about that all playing out kind of makes me want to puke. I'm afraid if I get away I won't want to come back.